You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
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[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
White Castle for the Win
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.