H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
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Nigella has gone too far this time.
#TopTip
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
me and the Superbowl rn
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.