[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.