I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
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[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.