You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.