11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
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Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.