If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
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I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Thank you corporation very cool
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.