[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
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sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.