Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
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A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
When I said I liked it rough.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees