Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
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Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Natty or not?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.