Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
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CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right