[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
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99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.