Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
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Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.