[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
this has to be peak English
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Dance like you’re not the father
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch