Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
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When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants