Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
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I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?