If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
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I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.