Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
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Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone