I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
They did not think through this water fountain
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will