This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
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zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
🙀🙀🙀😹
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Happens to everyone.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.