Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
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Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes