Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
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if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.