Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
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Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Good morning.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Never forget.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I want to know about the Oreo incident…