Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
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Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL