Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
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her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.