me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
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My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!