People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
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be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Wait a second…
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?