The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
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Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.