Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven