Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
You Might Also Like
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
The real reason evolution started..😂
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.