Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
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True dat! 😂😂😂😂
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Always a metermaid never a meter
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.