[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
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In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
🤣
#CatsOnTwitter
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.