[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
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[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
okay run it by me one more time
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.