[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
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I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
😎 🍻
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Dolls on drugs
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
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