Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs