I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
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When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
This is always good for a laugh.