Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
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Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]