The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
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DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”