Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
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Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
The dark side of Canada
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.