Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
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*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Labreador
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
They must have gotten it to go.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Bootstraps
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.