Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
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My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie