Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”