Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.