I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
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villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
never forget
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
welp
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”