All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉