Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
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My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I laughed at this way too hard.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday