Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
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ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back