customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
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me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients