Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
こいつ天才
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.