If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
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If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.